I was speaking recently at an informal lecture series I regularly hold in the lineup at Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in New Zealand’s Palmerston North.

A spontaneous debate sprang up, on the subject of the human drive to excel and the pure survival mechanisms inherent in all living things regardless of social status and financial boyancy.  

I ended up conducting something of an evangelistic enlightening on the subject of the Lizard Brain™, and how it applies to commercial farming and internet celebrity in a documentary film making context.

As it turns out, the gist of my philosophy revolves in circles around an axis… that axis being predominantly at the centre of my argument regarding survival of not only chickens, but horses and people.  I concluded that perhaps, if we all can’t just get along, maybe there’s no hope for our continued exploration of relationship, and maybe we should find other things to eat.

In any case, I think my points are powerfully backed up by this file footage of me interacting with some of the smartest chickens in Otago.

Incidentally, the footage was shot as a part of a forthcoming documentary series about men, monkeys and junkies… exploring the blurred boundaries between the three, in todays modern digital world.

You can look forward to that on the BBC and on the internet.

But for now, enjoy the clip.

That’s my slice of your pie…

Eat it.

VB – for VBTV

Here we are a full year on from this time last summer, wishing it was still last month, so we had Christmas to fret over and a couple of shady office parties to regret, or possibly follow up on.

This time last year, I was bringing myself up to festival pace, in anticipation of the Christchurch World Buskers Festival.  Running through my hefty rider, connecting with my rep at Hallensteins, priming my twitterazzi kids with my schedule and preferred lighting angles… and of course, meeting the press.

This little interview slid under the radar, but was by far my favorite interview of the year, at that point at least.  I really felt they captured me in this candid exposé of a conversation, conducted via sms, courtesy of the twitter network and an old pay phone in Picton.

The gist of the talk is written out below, or if you’d like to read it in it’s original location, you can do exactly that, here:

http://www.christchurchnz.com

INTRODUCING – VINYL BURNS

Vinyl Burns

From the World Buskers Festival 2011

A hit in 1972 Las Vegas, Vinyl Burns’ show-biz career has dwindled and he is no longer the icon he believes himself to be (but don’t let him know that!). After relocating his international playboy lifestyle to New Zealand, Christchurch now has the privilege of his effervescent company. And…though his style and grace need a bit of polishing, his charm is still top notch.

1. What are the key responsibilities of a busker?

To fill the population with wonderful dreams of what magical impossibilities might manifest themselves, with just a tiny spark of imagination, and a total disregard for any advice you were ever given.

2. What’s the first thing you do on a Saturday morning?

Fling a dart at the ‘What’s for breakfast’ board.

3. What are you reading at the moment?

A hard hitting, journalistic questionnaire, and revealing my darkest secrets. OK, I know that’s not what you meant. I also know that to mention that I often re-read my own blog at www.vinylburns.com – would be a cheap misappropriation of this opportunity to endear myself to the delightful and good looking people of Canterbury.

4. If you were to be stranded on an island, which three things would you take with you?

John Donne famously said; ‘No man is on an island’ …at least, I think that’s what he said…I overheard it at an airport one time. If I were ever on an island for more than a weekend, i’d bring my maid…(that sand gets EVERYWHERE). P.S – That’s a weird question to ask someone who’s currently on an island.

5. If I invited myself over to your house for dinner, using only the contents in your fridge right now, what would you make me?

Wind.

6. Where would you rather be right now?

To be honest, I feel a littler cornered by the double edged, confrontational nature of that question, yet I still can’t think of anywhere else i’d prefer to be than right here, answering these questions with you and my maid, on my tropical sandy island beach, writing another blog post and flinging velcro darts at the ‘What’s for breakfast’ board…*sigh* Coconut again.

7. What advice would you give to your 15 year old self?

You can buy that now, but it won’t be cool for 10 years.

8. If you could only ever go one place in the world on holiday for the rest of your life – where would it be?

I would enter The Matrix™.

9. If you could acquire one new skill within the next 24 hours, what would it be?

Levitation.  Who wouldn’t vote for a guy who floats???

10. What’s one thing most people do not know about you?

I used to be in the CIA.

That’s it kiddo’s… Oh, and if you’ve read this far, then you can obviously handle the charisma, so why not spread the love to people YOU love.  Send your friends to www.vinylburns.com for a taste of the electric licky licky man.

Vinyl Burns – Everybody’s favorite flooring material & temperate state.

Here’s a little advice from a hardcore promise breaker…

Thanks for listening… Pass on the love.
VB

Visit http://ipad.io/oI7 to hear my latest ipadio phonecast

Or listen here:

I welcome you to 2012, the year of the unknown.  Commonly surrounded, I like to think,  by the whispers of end times and spectacular exploding death, with a neon disco soundtrack and subtitles…

This is a bountiful edition of my bloggy post newsletter. Just so as you know.

I’m still reliving many millions of single moments from the lush and frantic emotional smorgasbord served up on the giant and unwieldy platter that was 2011.  A monster year of journeys and circles, dances in circles and circles of fire eventually settling a little too close to home.  But that’s Canada, and I’m here to recap Croatia.

Let’s first set the scene…  This was the number plate of our hip hop producing driver and tour manager.
(This photo was taken before the 35 hour drive from Split to Skopje (Via Zagreb) with no lights.

One of the most symbolically branded food items we were to encounter on our 4 weeks through the mad-arsed Balkans.
Ironically, we had no hint of what these sachets actually contained.

During my 3 day run in with Croatian authorities, I managed to squeeze out a few photos of my interrogation room… The intercom was busted, so  I offered them the use of my backup stage monitor amplifier system, so they could hear what I was saying through the one-way glass.  I know what you’re wondering, and, yes… I did get a lot of electric shocks.

When I tour, I have some standard requests on my rider. While this technically met my requirements, it was not what I had in mind.

P.T.S.D.
It’s great if you’re in a band
It’s a bad if you’re writing a greeting card

This is the traditional Gay Buddha window in Sibenik’s “Red Lane”. Legend has it that if you distract the security long enough, you can get Buddha to touch himself.

We tried, but never had enough doughnuts.

More fun in Sibenik’s “Red Lane”.
This traditional Croatian marriage safety dance, wards off the demons of good taste and sex appeal, leaving the participants cleansed of all worldly distractions, ready to meet Gay Buddha in the temple of yellow breads.

OK… I’m probably going to get in trouble for posting this one.  I was involved with the Croatian Space Missile & Off World Immigration and Time Travel Syndicate back in the late 1580′s.  I stopped in during the tour to catch up with old buddies.
It’s weird, none of us have aged much at all.

This is a powerful image.  Our driver Dorko, just prior to embarking on our 23 hour drive through 5 countries (2 of them, twice), wearing his Grand Theft Auto T-shirt, and showing off his favourite “Driving Shorts”.
As it turned out, it was us who would need several pairs.

Even when 8 isn’t 11, a lot of things still just don’t add up.

Life seemed to move both faster, and slower, than this guy.
In the end, all we knew was that he was real tasty.

This is the loudest man in Macedonia

For a guy who’s hardly there, he did a long show.

This is the main pitch in Split, Croatia.  On this, the first day of the festival, the city built a V.I.P. Ray-ban Sunglasses shop on it.  On the subsequent 10 days, it was occupied by a continuous succession of events, including, but not limited to… a salsa competition, a 5 a side soccer match, a sword fight, a murder and an Olympic high jumping showcase.

It seemed like these trees grew from seeds in the two weeks I was in Split.
Split is like a cheerleader. You think you want to talk to her, but then, when you do, the conversation just seems to go on for ages.
She’s also way more fertile than you’d prefer.

The elevator was busted (I think there was a body in the gears) so we had to walk to the “B Pitch”.
It’s a long long build, but sometimes, when there’s a cruise ship full of American tourists in port, their helicopters land up here.

Split.  This is how it actually looks.
That’s why they filmed most of the Thunderbirds movies here. (Which explains all the ruined buildings, and puppeteers)

So, that was Croatia.  It’s a beautiful beautiful place filled with mysteries and criminals. They don’t know what beaches are, but they’re happy to take your money, so get yourself over there, and ask about me.  They’ll remember.

Peace and hot water on the rocks…

VB

Hello, It’s Vinyl Burns here, and it’s a new year.

What better time to look back at the previous one and pass on a few pieces of information that will help you if you ever end up touring Croatia, under the guidance of some Macedonian businessmen, their husband and a hip hop producer.

1) Never ever, no matter where you’re going, consult a map.

2) If you’re lost… stop quickly in a busy roadway and yell questions at some local startled children, in a language that (I assumed) they don’t understand. (Never ask more than one person for directions, you can be pretty certain that you can trust the nervous pointing and waving of your first encounter, to accurately guide you to your destination.)

Everything will be cool.

3) All festivals provide a free creche… with fun activities for the children… including crossbows.

4) Your equipment will certainly be safe in the tent…

There’s a security guard drinking ethanol and/or sleeping outside it, 24/7.

5) 8 is almost always 11.

6) Buy yourself some shiny suits.

(I forgot to last year, so I’m going back.)

7) No matter what situation you find yourself in… say the word “Pane” and everything will be cool.

8) So long as you’re not all hung up on “how many”, “how much”, “what time”, “how long”, “what currency”, “not enough”, “too fast”, “too slow”, “not legal” or “not comfortable”…

you can rest assured that everything…

will be cool.

15) Do you like having dinner with the secret police? Everything will be cool.

So, my Macedonian seeking culture brats, so long as you understand and respect these 15 simple rules, everything… will be cool.

See you there next June.

VB

I am beginning a sporadic series of gadget reviews and future tech musings, mainly compiled out of excited interest in all things new and shiny.  

I also think that I have some attractive ideas about electronics that you will likely wish to hear.  (I am especially skooled in the subject of inhibitors and robots.

So here’s the first of my many tech wizz bandit blogs… today’s one, analyzing the pros and cons of the newset and prettiest iphone.

Click Here to listen online….

That’s how I called it.  And you listened.  Congratulations.

VB – Out.

I recently performed at the la de da festival in Martinborough city.

It appeared to be a fantastic festival, in spite of the liquidity issues beguiling most of the country at the time.

It was muddly and endampened, but the kids dug it and then say in it. For them, it was good times!

Here are the top ten things I learned.

1) Dogs sink.
2) You can’t calm someone down by shouting nice things.
3) Four people can have more fun than Sixty Four people.
4) Dirt doesn’t read instructions. #whitetrash
5) The V.I.P. area is only 40% V.I.P’s.
6) The R.I.P. area is only 35% V.I.P’s.
7) Even if you are both covered in mud, the sex you’re having is not invisible.
8) Dub FX has a fine work ethic. And by “work ethic”, I mean “girlfriend”.
9) Swinging a cat requires less space than stripping.
10) Don’t confuse work for real life, they’re two different kinds of dirt.

As some people say, we made lemonade… Turned out, not many people were thirsty.

VB – VIP – MIA – AOK

And Who Have You Done….?

Merry Christmas from Vinyl Burns (and featuring the delightful Magenta Diamond).

VB

I was listening to a Merlin Mann Podcast the other day and he was chatting about the pros and cons of various approaches to giving a presentation to a bunch of, typically, stale old business cats.

He was keen on the idea that, no matter what the content, or style of delivery, or audience, it should be a “performance”.

I couldn’t agree more… but it got me thinking. If you snap into “performance” mode for a presentation, regardless of the size of the room… perhaps the same thing happens when you’re talking to as few as two people.

Does your headspace zone change when you find yourself speaking to more than one person? Mine does.

I think that, because you can’t devote sincere intimacy in more than one direction, to try to maintain a personal conversation with two or more people, is a failed agenda just waiting to be realised.  Any sane person flicks the switch and kicks it up into show business conversation mode.  Your people become your audience, a dimly lit room filled with last night’s heavy smoke and tomorrows empty dreams.  This is YOUR place, where YOUR words will fly forever across space and time, FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO BE HEARD!!!!!

Of course, I’m quite different to you.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

Get In Volved.

Occupy your brain and your mouth.

VB

I love this time of year, especially down here in summery New Zealand.

I used to kind of dread the claw of “Ice Xmas” eve caressing my nervous, sweaty back through the binds of a jolly and awful asbestos cardigan.

Now I live far enough from Aunt Florentine that I never have to wear her appalling garments in public again… Let alone feel the need to over dress so it takes longer for her to mentally undress me under the flickering glower of her raging hot, smokey fire place.

Christmas for Vinyl Burns, these days, includes a gentle build up of small dinner parties, online shopping for my virtual buddies, and real world shopping for people I actually know, celebrities I have yet to offend and who aren’t douchebags, as well as an assortment of random disenfranchised clowns.

Christmas aches from long summer days flitting between sunlight and sunshade… “Sunlight” being the unfiltered blast of the nuclear angst in the ozone cleansed Antipodean sky. The shade, being that of Pohutukawa trees, where the still frozen summer breeze cuts through a man, penetrating the depths of the swimsuit department and delivering a premature boxing day sale: Up to 30% off men’s tackle and other recreational supplies.

            This is the summer we have…

…so this is the summer we love.            

So our treasured Christmas resides nonchalantly within these extremes of climate and expectation.

Nestled between pine dust and sand storms, we desperately and synthetically emulate a snowy northern season, while staunchly battling the acceptance that our actual summer isn’t much better.

I’m Vinyl Burns, and I’m a New Zealander.

Merry Christmas.