Split Croatia… Best advice I never listened to.
January 8, 2012
Snap! Hello! chaka khan! (That’s the traditional Croatian greeting I learned in a Tapas cellar one night last year.)
I welcome you to 2012, the year of the unknown. Commonly surrounded, I like to think, by the whispers of end times and spectacular exploding death, with a neon disco soundtrack and subtitles…
This is a bountiful edition of my bloggy post newsletter. Just so as you know.
I’m still reliving many millions of single moments from the lush and frantic emotional smorgasbord served up on the giant and unwieldy platter that was 2011. A monster year of journeys and circles, dances in circles and circles of fire eventually settling a little too close to home. But that’s Canada, and I’m here to recap Croatia.
Let’s first set the scene… This was the number plate of our hip hop producing driver and tour manager.
(This photo was taken before the 35 hour drive from Split to Skopje (Via Zagreb) with no lights.
One of the most symbolically branded food items we were to encounter on our 4 weeks through the mad-arsed Balkans.
Ironically, we had no hint of what these sachets actually contained.
During my 3 day run in with Croatian authorities, I managed to squeeze out a few photos of my interrogation room… The intercom was busted, so I offered them the use of my backup stage monitor amplifier system, so they could hear what I was saying through the one-way glass. I know what you’re wondering, and, yes… I did get a lot of electric shocks.
When I tour, I have some standard requests on my rider. While this technically met my requirements, it was not what I had in mind.
P.T.S.D.
It’s great if you’re in a band
It’s a bad if you’re writing a greeting card
This is the traditional Gay Buddha window in Sibenik’s “Red Lane”. Legend has it that if you distract the security long enough, you can get Buddha to touch himself.
We tried, but never had enough doughnuts.
More fun in Sibenik’s “Red Lane”.
This traditional Croatian marriage safety dance, wards off the demons of good taste and sex appeal, leaving the participants cleansed of all worldly distractions, ready to meet Gay Buddha in the temple of yellow breads.
OK… I’m probably going to get in trouble for posting this one. I was involved with the Croatian Space Missile & Off World Immigration and Time Travel Syndicate back in the late 1580′s. I stopped in during the tour to catch up with old buddies.
It’s weird, none of us have aged much at all.
This is a powerful image. Our driver Dorko, just prior to embarking on our 23 hour drive through 5 countries (2 of them, twice), wearing his Grand Theft Auto T-shirt, and showing off his favourite “Driving Shorts”.
As it turned out, it was us who would need several pairs.
Even when 8 isn’t 11, a lot of things still just don’t add up.
Life seemed to move both faster, and slower, than this guy.
In the end, all we knew was that he was real tasty.
This is the loudest man in Macedonia
For a guy who’s hardly there, he did a long show.
This is the main pitch in Split, Croatia. On this, the first day of the festival, the city built a V.I.P. Ray-ban Sunglasses shop on it. On the subsequent 10 days, it was occupied by a continuous succession of events, including, but not limited to… a salsa competition, a 5 a side soccer match, a sword fight, a murder and an Olympic high jumping showcase.
It seemed like these trees grew from seeds in the two weeks I was in Split.
Split is like a cheerleader. You think you want to talk to her, but then, when you do, the conversation just seems to go on for ages.
She’s also way more fertile than you’d prefer.
The elevator was busted (I think there was a body in the gears) so we had to walk to the “B Pitch”.
It’s a long long build, but sometimes, when there’s a cruise ship full of American tourists in port, their helicopters land up here.
Split. This is how it actually looks.
That’s why they filmed most of the Thunderbirds movies here. (Which explains all the ruined buildings, and puppeteers)
So, that was Croatia. It’s a beautiful beautiful place filled with mysteries and criminals. They don’t know what beaches are, but they’re happy to take your money, so get yourself over there, and ask about me. They’ll remember.
Peace and hot water on the rocks…
VB
A Summer Tour
January 10, 2011
This is going to be weird.
I’m about to head out on tour. Now, that in itself isn’t too strange… I’m certainly not unfamiliar to the grime of the vaudeville road, that’s why I take so many baths. Thing is… since retiring down here in tropical electric paradise, most, if not all of my touring has been undertaken in the form of a giant, lengthy, commitment laden “northern summer” tour of such salubrious festival circuits as Canada, Eastern Europe, The U.A.E., Brazil and even the Spanish clubber’s beach paradise El Campello.
Spanish Club Dates 1988
This time it will be different. This time, it will be local.
Now, despite being retired, I still keep my hand in some pretty fruity pies down here… in part, to inspire a new generation of wannabes, but also, to be honest, because I can’t stay away from the business. It’s in my blood… and it’s not alone, so I gots to keep the show biz pumping through my veins, or the biological ratio of good vs evil will get all out of whack… and who needs that.
So, I work a healthy circuit of gigs here. All kinds of shit… all across the board… all tiers, classes, creeds, flavours, genders, budgets, venues, menus… I soak it all up, cos I like to keep it real. Also, it’s a small place, and there aren’t too many options.
This time around though, I’ve switched it up. After 12 years of being woo’d and quietly coaxed, I’ve relented, and will be attending the Christchurch World Buskers Festival.
Now this is a nice gig… Chilled schedule, beautiful locals, and a good solid pampering for the crew. But what makes it very very odd for me, is having all my buddies from the northern circuits right here, now, shoulder to shoulder, on my turf. Circumstance finally allowing me to play host to some of my closest friends and finest acts on the planet. I will love it, as will all the performers and public fans alike…
The Worlds Finest Clowns
The novelty, and resulting weirdness I feel about it all, has reminded me why I chose this neglected backchannel to wind down my career with the grace and dignity it deserves… You see, by retiring here, where there’s next to nothing going on, I can help to build a faith and passion in this industry, yet with the non-threatening status of “retired legend”, putting the youngsters at their ease. I wear the respect, without the agro.
That’s all well and good, but sometimes, when the world comes to town for ten days, and you’re invited to go play with them… it’s mighty nice to feel the local breeze on your chest, hear the local voices in your head, and drink the local wines, with your local lips.
I welcome the world’s best to Christchurch this month, and hope you’ll live the dream with us.
Kia Ora Kaha Te Whanau
Vinyl
2010 Three Strike Tour
July 23, 2010
Hello dogs and bangers.
I’m just rolling back into the zone, from a zippy little tour around the world, essentially a chance to touch ground with my best minga’s in the continent and northern USA.
First though, let me encourage you to tell your friends about the Vinyl Burns blog… Domination is all about dominating, and without you all helping out, I can’t dominate as completely and as believably as we’d all like. To incentivise you all in this task, I am offering 40 puppies to the first 40 new subscribers. So, if you’d like your friend to get a puppy, get them all signed up!
I began my tour by stopping off for an earthy, rustic and ‘real’ one on one with fans in Dundas, Ontario… The Dundas Buskers Festival, where the coffee was hot, and the schedule was blistering. My associates and I enjoyed the finest coffee in Canada at “Detour” roastery… with some healthy ex-pat New Zealand links… Where else are you going to learn that trade?
I then popped around the corner to the world renowned Waterloo Arts Festival, where I launched the Vinyl Burns Experience – The concert that will change the world (one way or the other™). Big francophone ups to A-Bomb Rosso, my road technician for the festival… he kept the stadium cool and the sounds damp, not to mention wiring me up and padding down the dental regions as needed. Stay tuned for his own album “Je cherche pour ma femme” – out in the fall.
From there, I popped across the ‘Lantic to do a little benefit gig for Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Channel, Calvin Klein and Christian Dior. The whole shindig happened in a beautiful little fake 1850s San Francisco village nestled deep in the Belgian foothills (that’s all they have) of Maasmechelen, Belgium.
Now I’m home, soaking up winter on the horse farm, and bustling up some new moves for the Fall.
If you want to see more of the pictures from the tour, don’t forget to visit, like, friend and poke me on facebook http://www.facebook.com/vinylburnsband and of course, check out the blog and video archive at http://www.vinylburns.com – it’s all there for you, mister-missus.
Sincerely, Vinyl Burns, Forever – www.vinylburns.com
Dr Vinyl Burns
Diversity in the modern marketplace
March 20, 2010
Dig on this for a moment.
In the early 80′s I was writing for a few evening TV shows in NYC, and during the day I would drift down to Washington Square Park to watch the performers and assist their future survival by recording and storing their jokes for future reference, should they be hit by a bus, or another busker, and forget their show. I didn’t tell anyone about it, because if word got out, that same busker might come and hit me, or run me down with a bus.
In any case, one of these fine young men was William “Master” Lee. Will had grown bored with managing his successful hotdog business, so began heading down to the park to speak his mind. “Hotdogs are a lot more complicated than you people think…” he would begin. “For instance, there’s the meat… no wait, I’m thinking of milkshakes…” Though suspicious, he was happily surprised at the laughter his stories evoked, and he set about making up total lies, in the belief that if his real life was funny, stuff that he makes up would surely kill. It’s hard to say for sure if he was right, but he’s been surfing the foamy crest of those white lies for three decades.
William is alive. Sometimes, when a man like me writes in this emotional way, people assume someone has died. Nobody has. Nobody I know. Nobody I know, who I’m talking about in this essay, has died, yet.
OK… lets move on.
Will was a young man in a hurry, keen and eager… a little to his detriment. I advised him to pace things a little more casually… “Make them wait…” I suggested, and slipped him a few of my own lines for his show. One such line “I will Blah Blah Blah…. But first… Blah Blah Blah…” became his signature move on the streets and stages of so many great festivals. I also suggested a move that was working for me at the time. I explained that he should tell the crowd he will perform 18 different stunts, but then only actually do 9 of them. He took the idea on board, but refined it down to a ratio of 7:3.
This was a smart move for the street, as my 18:9 ratio took a good 3 hours on the stage, and on the street, a busker simply can’t hold a crowd for more than two hours, without actually having a real accident… in which case, they’re with you for life! ie. they’ll stay till a dude dies.
Years later, a similarly powerful phrase was adopted by a young New Zealand performer who shared a month of festival dates with the legend. “That’s GOOD BABBA!” they would chime in unison, as they wolfed down the sponsors product, while waiting to perform at Halifax’s legendary “Baba Ghanoush” stage.
William was an inspiration to so many, so I was glad to hear of his latest project… Chink Floyd
It is, as the G-dog Kizzles sizzle “WAK” G.
Will is always the guy on the lookout for the next move… and there’s plenty of moves left in him.
William Lee - The master of "The Chair Show"
So, as I was checking out his newest stuff with the band, I got thinking about an old clip that was floating around, and tracked it down.
I think it really captures the essence of the man… the moment… the miracle, of Master Lee.
Master Lee – Life is a Miracle
Solid – VB
I will let you eavesdrop on my genius…
March 23, 2009
I was chatting with an old showbiz pal the other day, on the wireless intranet, and we ended up casually mulling over a few old ideas with powerful modern relevance in the current financial climate. So I’ve cut and pasted it straight in here for you to learn a thing or two.
Just read between all the names and places and time stamps, to extract the powerful knowledge nestled within the power of this new dawn, this shining horizon of words.
————-
Burpies? as in exercise?
10:43pmVinyl
yeah
when it’s night time, you can’t go running around near the horses…
freaks everybody out
so a little living room jumping around is the way to go
10:44pmVernon
Freakin’ brilliant mate, go you… what’re you up to?
10:44pmVinyl
reading up on GTD
“getting things done”
and putting together promo
how was the Las Vegas gig?
did you do a spot in Cirque Du Money?
10:47pmVernon
I recommend THE POWER OF NOW. started working with Duchovny so took me a month to collect it after I ordered it. No way dude, we used their hotel for 3 of our shows after their season, Bernard said oh mate you’ll never even see the Lamas during an evening show, then they all oohed and aahed at the prairie scene. Bernard was also blown away that we pay our clowns!
10:48pmVinyl
good stuff
I don’t know if he really dreams that big…
such potential with that setup
and his connections
and his “man of the people” vibe…
10:50pmVernon
shshshshshsh… I know and Im scheming… and like last time I worked Vegas, people came up to us and asked what we were selling… still, I sold plenty of linen from the hotel, good sideline.
10:51pmVinyl
yeah
and you can often load up on shampoo and conditioner, soaps, airplane socks, hair nets…
Aytahn and I use them as givaways in our shows when we’d do Edmonton Fringe
10:53pm Vernon
give them away? not in a recession…
10:53pmVinyl
it’s like giving the kid $5
plant the seed
they’ll give back more than you gave out
10:57pmVernon
I’ve started giving the kid $4.50
10:58pmVinyl
of course…
that makes sense in a corporate environment
they’ll see the added value in your focused investment approach
10:59pmVernon
YES… it’s all on the understanding that the show AND MORE IMPORTANTLY THE AUDIENCE is actually worth more than the kid…
11:00pmVinyl
yes
and the more they pay you… the more they feel they deserved to be entertained
11:01pmVernon
and hopefully I’ve left before they analyse that logic too deeply
11:02pmVinyl
and that they’ve paid in cash, or some other form of “instant” money
————–
Live, Learn, Love to make the money…
Vinyl Burns
Welcome to Vinyl’s World…
May 31, 2008
Hello folks,
Welcome to the first of many regular Vinyl Burns web log entries… keeping you abreast of what I’m up to, and my personal read on the world I’m in. I hope you can join with me on a crusade to bring good times to wherever the bad times roll, and to warm and moisten even the most desolate and frigid of regions.
