Popular Sh*t I have said…
February 15, 2012
It’s me again, and even again.
It seems that my people left the actual content out of this one last time, so here we are again, trying to provide you with the VB you need. Enjoy it this time.
Yes, writing it up once again and perhaps using a few too few expletives, but that’s just how I slice and dice.
the popularity of the “Sh*t my dad says” meme, encouraged my fans to request that I release some I my own spoken word sh*t.
Given that, as I recently coined the phrase ” I’m Vinyl Burns, and you’re nothing without me”, for an upcoming BBC TV project, it would be downright rude of me not to allow you, my fans, to be all you can possibly be, by giving you a whole lot of me… In your faces.
The beauty of the written word is that you can reread that paragraph as many times as you need, in order to understand what I’m saying, and then love me for it.
So, here’s the first installment of “Sh*t Vinyl Burns says”. Share it around by clicking on the “Share Vinyl Burns around” button, and above all, enjoy.
I don’t have time to say it all, but you can feel the knowledge breaking on your chest!” – Vinyl Burns
Bloop
February 15, 2012
Dingo Dingo Friends…
That’s an almost completely made up Australian greeting I just nearly invented.
I do a lot of things really really well. And I like to balance that by showing off my frailty in front of all the world, from time to time.
This, right now, is just one of those times.
So, without any further much ado about nothing much, here is a classic Vinyl Burns blooper, from my Sexual Horizons web series. The crew really lost it on this one. It’s an open and transparent window into the backstage world of the Vinyl Burns television empire.
Thanks for watching, and for being here specifically in order to do so.
Mango Mango
Amigo Derché
VB
Vinyl Burns Radio
December 7, 2011
Hello Followers,
I’m just writing to offer you a quick sneaky sample of the radio show I’ll be busting out from time to time. Nothing too regular about it, cos I like to be a moving target. But, if you’d like to know what it is you’re aiming for… here’s a recording of the show. Skip around, find the juicy bits… whatever spins it for ya.
Regards,
Vinyl “The Other Doctor” Burns
Giving thanks…
April 3, 2011
Hola long lost followers,
I’ve been a bit sloppy in the old publishing department… mainly because I’ve been doing a lot of swimming and trying to master Kung Fu.
But, I’m spurred back into literary action by a few things.
Firstly, you may have spotted me at several recent Christchurch benefit functions… raising money for “The Dusties” down in Canterbury. I didn’t feel it would be fair to directly contribute from my considerable fortune, as that would be a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, when I own the barrel, and it’s already at my house, and I don’t even eat fish.
So instead, I felt that contributing my many talents to a few different fundraisers, was the right move.
Celebrated Game Show Host - JT
Secondly, last Friday night was the celebrity roast, put on by my old friend El Jaguar, roasting my even older friend, Philippino game show hosting legend Johnny Tan. I was unable to attend in person, but I shot this quick video and musicalised my sentiments, in a long distance tribute.
Here for you, is that tribute to Johnny Tan.
[Click Here To View The Video]
I have a quiet few months now, in my eastern country house, before I hit the road again for June & July… with appearances throughout the former Yugoslavia, England, Switzerland and Canada, then back for nearly a full month with the WOW team, before some heavy involvement with the cruise ship scene.
Until then, if you can’t fuss it, bust it up.
Given with soul,
Vinyl Burns.
Carousel Burlesque Experience
January 12, 2011
Look, I won’t bother you much more…
Just to say, that if you are a big fan of the naughty burlesque scene in Wellington city, then sign yourselves up for the Carousel Burlesque experience happening this Friday evening.
Here are some more easy to read details…
Venus Burlesque presents CAROUSEL! Wellingtons premier burlesque cabaret.
Enjoy a delicious cocktail or a gourmet platter in the gorgeous MamaSamba burlesque bar while you are entertained by NZ’s finest burlesque performers.
Carousel Cabaret is held every month with a new line up of tasteful burlesque talent for your entertainment pleasure.
Carousel presents this January 2011 your Host Vinyl Burns, The stunning Eva Strangelove, Tiger Moon, Rosa Belle, Clo Miranda, Tinka Lovelocks & The Avian Belle.
Carousel Cabaret is cash door sales only. Carousel Cabaret seating is 8pm sharp! So get in early to reserve your seats to insure you get your slice of the best burlesque va va voom entertainment in Wellywood!!
Tickets are cash door sales only. $25
I may see you there… in all my sweaty hotness.
Vinyl (is on fire) Burns.
A Summer Tour
January 10, 2011
This is going to be weird.
I’m about to head out on tour. Now, that in itself isn’t too strange… I’m certainly not unfamiliar to the grime of the vaudeville road, that’s why I take so many baths. Thing is… since retiring down here in tropical electric paradise, most, if not all of my touring has been undertaken in the form of a giant, lengthy, commitment laden “northern summer” tour of such salubrious festival circuits as Canada, Eastern Europe, The U.A.E., Brazil and even the Spanish clubber’s beach paradise El Campello.
Spanish Club Dates 1988
This time it will be different. This time, it will be local.
Now, despite being retired, I still keep my hand in some pretty fruity pies down here… in part, to inspire a new generation of wannabes, but also, to be honest, because I can’t stay away from the business. It’s in my blood… and it’s not alone, so I gots to keep the show biz pumping through my veins, or the biological ratio of good vs evil will get all out of whack… and who needs that.
So, I work a healthy circuit of gigs here. All kinds of shit… all across the board… all tiers, classes, creeds, flavours, genders, budgets, venues, menus… I soak it all up, cos I like to keep it real. Also, it’s a small place, and there aren’t too many options.
This time around though, I’ve switched it up. After 12 years of being woo’d and quietly coaxed, I’ve relented, and will be attending the Christchurch World Buskers Festival.
Now this is a nice gig… Chilled schedule, beautiful locals, and a good solid pampering for the crew. But what makes it very very odd for me, is having all my buddies from the northern circuits right here, now, shoulder to shoulder, on my turf. Circumstance finally allowing me to play host to some of my closest friends and finest acts on the planet. I will love it, as will all the performers and public fans alike…
The Worlds Finest Clowns
The novelty, and resulting weirdness I feel about it all, has reminded me why I chose this neglected backchannel to wind down my career with the grace and dignity it deserves… You see, by retiring here, where there’s next to nothing going on, I can help to build a faith and passion in this industry, yet with the non-threatening status of “retired legend”, putting the youngsters at their ease. I wear the respect, without the agro.
That’s all well and good, but sometimes, when the world comes to town for ten days, and you’re invited to go play with them… it’s mighty nice to feel the local breeze on your chest, hear the local voices in your head, and drink the local wines, with your local lips.
I welcome the world’s best to Christchurch this month, and hope you’ll live the dream with us.
Kia Ora Kaha Te Whanau
Vinyl
Revised 2010 Tour Dates
April 28, 2010
Hello dirty comedy festival goers.
Vinyl Burns in the Leisure Stepper Gangsta shoot
I just wanted to let you kats know that my plans have changed. I will be splitting my mid year plans into two, possibly more, tours.
The schedule that follows is the current plan.
This differs from the plan currently on my website www.vinylburns.com and I’ll update it soon, but I wanted you to know about it first, because you love me, and I, in turn, respect that love for me. Plus, it’s just polite.
Vinyl Burns 2010 world tour.
Part One: June
Canada – Dundas Buskers Festival & Waterloo Arts Festival
Europe – Festival Del Mundo, Maasmechelen, Belgium
Part Two: July
Secret new project in New Zealand
Part Three: August/September
Aug 4 – 6 Digby Tall Ships Festival, Digby, Nova Scotia CA tbc
Aug 4 – 8 Digby Scallop Festival, Digby, Nova Scotia CA tbc
Aug 13 – 22 Berlin Lacht Alexanderplatz, Berlin DE tbc
Aug 26 – 29 Berlin Lacht Kurfürstendamm, Berlin DE tbc
Aug 31 – Sep 6 PNE, Vancouver CA tbc
Sept 17 – 20 Melbourne Juggling Conv, Melbourne AU
Sept 23 – Oct 3 WOW, Wellington NZ tbc
So that’s that… still plenty of Vinyl time for everyone, just a little changed.
Also, the Comedy Festival is currently on in Wellington and New Zealand… go and check it out, because there’s more to great comedy than just me.
VB – WD40 – 24/7
Diversity in the modern marketplace
March 20, 2010
Dig on this for a moment.
In the early 80′s I was writing for a few evening TV shows in NYC, and during the day I would drift down to Washington Square Park to watch the performers and assist their future survival by recording and storing their jokes for future reference, should they be hit by a bus, or another busker, and forget their show. I didn’t tell anyone about it, because if word got out, that same busker might come and hit me, or run me down with a bus.
In any case, one of these fine young men was William “Master” Lee. Will had grown bored with managing his successful hotdog business, so began heading down to the park to speak his mind. “Hotdogs are a lot more complicated than you people think…” he would begin. “For instance, there’s the meat… no wait, I’m thinking of milkshakes…” Though suspicious, he was happily surprised at the laughter his stories evoked, and he set about making up total lies, in the belief that if his real life was funny, stuff that he makes up would surely kill. It’s hard to say for sure if he was right, but he’s been surfing the foamy crest of those white lies for three decades.
William is alive. Sometimes, when a man like me writes in this emotional way, people assume someone has died. Nobody has. Nobody I know. Nobody I know, who I’m talking about in this essay, has died, yet.
OK… lets move on.
Will was a young man in a hurry, keen and eager… a little to his detriment. I advised him to pace things a little more casually… “Make them wait…” I suggested, and slipped him a few of my own lines for his show. One such line “I will Blah Blah Blah…. But first… Blah Blah Blah…” became his signature move on the streets and stages of so many great festivals. I also suggested a move that was working for me at the time. I explained that he should tell the crowd he will perform 18 different stunts, but then only actually do 9 of them. He took the idea on board, but refined it down to a ratio of 7:3.
This was a smart move for the street, as my 18:9 ratio took a good 3 hours on the stage, and on the street, a busker simply can’t hold a crowd for more than two hours, without actually having a real accident… in which case, they’re with you for life! ie. they’ll stay till a dude dies.
Years later, a similarly powerful phrase was adopted by a young New Zealand performer who shared a month of festival dates with the legend. “That’s GOOD BABBA!” they would chime in unison, as they wolfed down the sponsors product, while waiting to perform at Halifax’s legendary “Baba Ghanoush” stage.
William was an inspiration to so many, so I was glad to hear of his latest project… Chink Floyd
It is, as the G-dog Kizzles sizzle “WAK” G.
Will is always the guy on the lookout for the next move… and there’s plenty of moves left in him.
William Lee - The master of "The Chair Show"
So, as I was checking out his newest stuff with the band, I got thinking about an old clip that was floating around, and tracked it down.
I think it really captures the essence of the man… the moment… the miracle, of Master Lee.
Master Lee – Life is a Miracle
Solid – VB
The Vinyl Burns Shop
January 24, 2010
Good tidings to you, one and alls…
As a good friend of mine often says…
“A lot of you folks will have trouble attaching a financial value to the 45 minutes of intangibly high quality life experience that we’ve shared… So here’s some stuff you can buy.”
It’s been troubling me for some time, this gaping void in my multimedular tri-continental personality driven empire of good vibes… an inexplicable hollow moan in an otherwise hushed room of awe.
Now, and end is in sight… a destination for those many weary seekers who saught to see the light reflected into their eyeballs, off a luxuriously fashioned, yet patronisingly affordable trinket.
Behold… The Vinyl Burns Merchendise Emporium.
http://www.cafepress.com/vinylburns
Also accessable vie the usual channels… http://www.vinylburns.com
I wish you all the happiest of shopping… and as a special introductory offer, I will be offering a special reduced price… (I’m only making 20% on these goodies, so reducing it to 10% for the first week).
That’s right, I gots shirts, shorts, ladies underthings, mugs, pens, clocks, bags, steins, thongs, frames, pillows, pet bowls, dog shirts, infant bodysuits, ringer Ts, value T’s, Green T’s, maternity dark T’s, tank tops, golf shirts, pads, stationery, hats, caps and bibs…
If I don’t have it, ask me for it, and either I’ll have it soon, or I’ll tell you that I can’t get it… GUARANTEED!
You can’t ask fairer that that.
It’s like Big Save Furniture, but without the Furniture.
So I’ll see you there!
http://www.cafepress.com/vinylburns
VB – it’s the putting it on the right hand side, that counts.
VB
