The Vinyl Burns Shop

Good tidings to you, one and alls…

As a good friend of mine often says…

“A lot of you folks will have trouble attaching a financial value to the 45 minutes of intangibly high quality life experience that we’ve shared… So here’s some stuff you can buy.”

It’s been troubling me for some time, this gaping void in my multimedular tri-continental personality driven empire of good vibes… an inexplicable hollow moan in an otherwise hushed room of awe.

Now, and end is in sight… a destination for those many weary seekers who saught to see the light reflected into their eyeballs, off a luxuriously fashioned, yet patronisingly affordable trinket.

Behold… The Vinyl Burns Merchendise Emporium.

http://www.cafepress.com/vinylburns

Also accessable vie the usual channels… http://www.vinylburns.com

I wish you all the happiest of shopping… and as a special introductory offer, I will be offering a special reduced price… (I’m only making 20% on these goodies, so reducing it to 10% for the first week).

That’s right, I gots shirts, shorts, ladies underthings, mugs, pens, clocks, bags, steins, thongs, frames, pillows, pet bowls, dog shirts, infant bodysuits, ringer Ts, value T’s, Green T’s, maternity dark T’s, tank tops, golf shirts, pads, stationery, hats, caps and bibs…

If I don’t have it, ask me for it, and either I’ll have it soon, or I’ll tell you that I can’t get it…  GUARANTEED!

You can’t ask fairer that that.

It’s like Big Save Furniture, but without the Furniture.

So I’ll see you there!

http://www.cafepress.com/vinylburns

VB – it’s the putting it on the right hand side, that counts.

VB

Celebrity – it's who I am.

People often ask me…. why do I know you? How did we meet? Why are you dressed that way?

Let me clear all this up, once and for all…

I’m a man of good looks, charisma, charm and easy vibes. I hold court like Jordan jumps across it. I enjoy imparting my genius to the ladies, and sometimes the men are close enough to pick a little of it up as well.

I like to write the names of my lovers on the sand at the beach, but often there are too many people on the beach for me to finish the list.

I like to eat. In Korea, I ate a dog. They told me it was the local custom, and because I know how important it is to honour the locals and show respect for their little customs, I just wolfed that puppy right on down.

They started whispering to each other, and then the one who spoke English said that it was also customary to eat my hat. I don’t wear a hat, but I sait I’d eat my shirt, if it would please them. He said it would please them very much. So I ate my shirt. I was pretty full by the end because it was winter time, so it was a heavy woolen shirt.

I’m a diplomat and an cultural icon and figurehead. I’m a figurine on the giant porcelain chess board of pop culture. I dabble in politics and I write for some magazines that prefer to remain anonymous.

You like me. They like me. I like me.

I’m one of a kind and I teach all manner of things. I have a poker retreat up in the Ruahine mountains, near where that guy got shot by his hunter friend.

I teach surf lifesaving in the winter time (to make sure they’re really tough and ready for action), and I do some freelance dentistry and the odd bit of surgery (to keep my hand in).

I vote as often as I can (usually just once or twice every three or four years) and I’m a silent contributor to a number of political movements. I was an officer of the CIA for a short period in the 1980s when things got pretty hot in Altantic City, but these days, I’m just watched by them… just like everybody else.

I’m famous for life. For love. For good and for bad.

I’m in it for the funny.

And while I’m here, we should get into Pakistan before those North Koreans do…

I’m not saying that I know anything, but there are some things that I know… which I can’t tell you.

Three words… Collider – Saturn V – Watergate.

Ok, Watergate is two words with a space bar recession. And “V” is just a letter, which in this case represents a number, so that’s even less of an extra word.

In any case… stock up on the water and watch a lot of M*A*S*H – we didn’t spend 60 million bucks on the script for nothing.

Peace, Cosmos and The future to you all….

because when you’re with Vinyl Burns… it’s ALWAYS tomorrow.

VB

Modern Times

I don’t know exactly what is going on with chicks these days. I good buddy of mine had the good grace and courtesy to fly a lovely lady he’d met (and her son), all the way across Canada to live with him in his giant house on the lake. He shipped all her nicknacks, pictures, purfumes, panties and other ladies items and made her feel welcome in his urban castle.

I won’t fill in too many blanks, as the lawyers sometimes read this blog, and I wouldn’t want to get him in trouble.

In any case, the long and short of it is this…

If you don’t want to end up sleeping in your own basement on a couch, snorting dairy whip, while your ex girlfriend, the one you relocated, gets it on with her new boyfriend upstairs on your bed, in your bedroom, in your house, filled with her things… and if you don’t want to have to explain all that to the girl you try to bring back to your damp, manky, sweaty basement couch of lust…  if you don’t want all of that, then maybe it’s already too late.

Andy.

Waterloo – Dogs and Poker

After my first engagement of the Canadian season – the Toronto International Circus Festival, I ventured and hour south and reaquainted myself with my good buddies the Silly People. When you’re a traveling man in Canada, or any foreign country where the customs, currency and conversation are
strange and unfamiliar, it’s a good idea to have some local contacts to hook you up with a good game of cards. My contacts put me in touch with Tony, who hosts a Wednesday night card game. $150 buy in, with around 20-25 guys involved.

Having enjoyed 3/4 of last weeks game, and fully planning to enjoy at least as high a proportion again this week, I gladly accepted a request to look after Tony’s dogs Boon and Jin for a few days. What better way to repay the kindness of a man who facilitates the weekly loss of $150?

Day one was just a delight… letting the puppies out of their cage and letting them run around the yard while I watched 2 hours of Poker after Dark (nice to see some of those guys implementing some of my tips – the sign of a true professional, always learning from the masters).

Day two, not so smooth.

I arrived and waded into a warm wet atmosphere of urine and poos… I won’t go into too much detail, but the classic vaudeville routine unfolded as follows…

Let the dogs out of the house.

Haul the shitty pissy doggy duvet downstairs to the laundry sink

Haul the Giant dog box downstairs and into the garden

hose out the dog box

haul the dog box back upstairs

realise that the dog box actually comes apart for ease of hauling and cleaning

haul the shitty pissy doggy duvet into the washing machine and start it up

Washing machine breaks, but only once it’s FULL of (now shitty pissy) water.

Washing machine starts leaking shitty pissy water

dogs run through shitty pissy water

dogs run through the rest of the house.

… ok that’s about enough.

I guess the moral of the story is: Don’t look after someone’s dogs because they’ll piss and shit everywhere.