Popular Sh*t I have said…
February 15, 2012
It’s me again, and even again.
It seems that my people left the actual content out of this one last time, so here we are again, trying to provide you with the VB you need. Enjoy it this time.
Yes, writing it up once again and perhaps using a few too few expletives, but that’s just how I slice and dice.
the popularity of the “Sh*t my dad says” meme, encouraged my fans to request that I release some I my own spoken word sh*t.
Given that, as I recently coined the phrase ” I’m Vinyl Burns, and you’re nothing without me”, for an upcoming BBC TV project, it would be downright rude of me not to allow you, my fans, to be all you can possibly be, by giving you a whole lot of me… In your faces.
The beauty of the written word is that you can reread that paragraph as many times as you need, in order to understand what I’m saying, and then love me for it.
So, here’s the first installment of “Sh*t Vinyl Burns says”. Share it around by clicking on the “Share Vinyl Burns around” button, and above all, enjoy.
I don’t have time to say it all, but you can feel the knowledge breaking on your chest!” – Vinyl Burns
Announcing the Vinyl Speaks Podcast!!!
January 11, 2011
Happy New Year Planet Earth!
I’m pleased to announce that this year, 2011, I am embracing this brand new technology!!!
Early on New Years Eve, I phoned up my technical team and instructed them to initiate building a system allowing me to produce regular Podcasts for you all. I’m still waiting for them to fax me formal confirmation, but I understand it’s up and running.
So… what to expect?
Live On Mr Internet
I plan to serve up informative interludes and interviews with some of the finest entertainers, comedians, musicians and personalities that I stumble across on my hectic touring and vacation schedule. They’ll be mostly audio, but I’ll throw in the odd video podcast to make it spicy, like me.
You can subscribe to the Vinyl Speaks podcast on itunes by clicking [HERE]
Or, if that doesn’t work for you, there are more options [HERE]
Here’s one of the first test broadcasts, in the form of an interview with the Italian superstar variety man Ernesto Fuego.
A Summer Tour
January 10, 2011
This is going to be weird.
I’m about to head out on tour. Now, that in itself isn’t too strange… I’m certainly not unfamiliar to the grime of the vaudeville road, that’s why I take so many baths. Thing is… since retiring down here in tropical electric paradise, most, if not all of my touring has been undertaken in the form of a giant, lengthy, commitment laden “northern summer” tour of such salubrious festival circuits as Canada, Eastern Europe, The U.A.E., Brazil and even the Spanish clubber’s beach paradise El Campello.
Spanish Club Dates 1988
This time it will be different. This time, it will be local.
Now, despite being retired, I still keep my hand in some pretty fruity pies down here… in part, to inspire a new generation of wannabes, but also, to be honest, because I can’t stay away from the business. It’s in my blood… and it’s not alone, so I gots to keep the show biz pumping through my veins, or the biological ratio of good vs evil will get all out of whack… and who needs that.
So, I work a healthy circuit of gigs here. All kinds of shit… all across the board… all tiers, classes, creeds, flavours, genders, budgets, venues, menus… I soak it all up, cos I like to keep it real. Also, it’s a small place, and there aren’t too many options.
This time around though, I’ve switched it up. After 12 years of being woo’d and quietly coaxed, I’ve relented, and will be attending the Christchurch World Buskers Festival.
Now this is a nice gig… Chilled schedule, beautiful locals, and a good solid pampering for the crew. But what makes it very very odd for me, is having all my buddies from the northern circuits right here, now, shoulder to shoulder, on my turf. Circumstance finally allowing me to play host to some of my closest friends and finest acts on the planet. I will love it, as will all the performers and public fans alike…
The Worlds Finest Clowns
The novelty, and resulting weirdness I feel about it all, has reminded me why I chose this neglected backchannel to wind down my career with the grace and dignity it deserves… You see, by retiring here, where there’s next to nothing going on, I can help to build a faith and passion in this industry, yet with the non-threatening status of “retired legend”, putting the youngsters at their ease. I wear the respect, without the agro.
That’s all well and good, but sometimes, when the world comes to town for ten days, and you’re invited to go play with them… it’s mighty nice to feel the local breeze on your chest, hear the local voices in your head, and drink the local wines, with your local lips.
I welcome the world’s best to Christchurch this month, and hope you’ll live the dream with us.
Kia Ora Kaha Te Whanau
Vinyl
2010 Three Strike Tour
July 23, 2010
Hello dogs and bangers.
I’m just rolling back into the zone, from a zippy little tour around the world, essentially a chance to touch ground with my best minga’s in the continent and northern USA.
First though, let me encourage you to tell your friends about the Vinyl Burns blog… Domination is all about dominating, and without you all helping out, I can’t dominate as completely and as believably as we’d all like. To incentivise you all in this task, I am offering 40 puppies to the first 40 new subscribers. So, if you’d like your friend to get a puppy, get them all signed up!
I began my tour by stopping off for an earthy, rustic and ‘real’ one on one with fans in Dundas, Ontario… The Dundas Buskers Festival, where the coffee was hot, and the schedule was blistering. My associates and I enjoyed the finest coffee in Canada at “Detour” roastery… with some healthy ex-pat New Zealand links… Where else are you going to learn that trade?
I then popped around the corner to the world renowned Waterloo Arts Festival, where I launched the Vinyl Burns Experience – The concert that will change the world (one way or the other™). Big francophone ups to A-Bomb Rosso, my road technician for the festival… he kept the stadium cool and the sounds damp, not to mention wiring me up and padding down the dental regions as needed. Stay tuned for his own album “Je cherche pour ma femme” – out in the fall.
From there, I popped across the ‘Lantic to do a little benefit gig for Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Channel, Calvin Klein and Christian Dior. The whole shindig happened in a beautiful little fake 1850s San Francisco village nestled deep in the Belgian foothills (that’s all they have) of Maasmechelen, Belgium.
Now I’m home, soaking up winter on the horse farm, and bustling up some new moves for the Fall.
If you want to see more of the pictures from the tour, don’t forget to visit, like, friend and poke me on facebook http://www.facebook.com/vinylburnsband and of course, check out the blog and video archive at http://www.vinylburns.com – it’s all there for you, mister-missus.
Sincerely, Vinyl Burns, Forever – www.vinylburns.com
Dr Vinyl Burns
Revised 2010 Tour Dates
April 28, 2010
Hello dirty comedy festival goers.
Vinyl Burns in the Leisure Stepper Gangsta shoot
I just wanted to let you kats know that my plans have changed. I will be splitting my mid year plans into two, possibly more, tours.
The schedule that follows is the current plan.
This differs from the plan currently on my website www.vinylburns.com and I’ll update it soon, but I wanted you to know about it first, because you love me, and I, in turn, respect that love for me. Plus, it’s just polite.
Vinyl Burns 2010 world tour.
Part One: June
Canada – Dundas Buskers Festival & Waterloo Arts Festival
Europe – Festival Del Mundo, Maasmechelen, Belgium
Part Two: July
Secret new project in New Zealand
Part Three: August/September
Aug 4 – 6 Digby Tall Ships Festival, Digby, Nova Scotia CA tbc
Aug 4 – 8 Digby Scallop Festival, Digby, Nova Scotia CA tbc
Aug 13 – 22 Berlin Lacht Alexanderplatz, Berlin DE tbc
Aug 26 – 29 Berlin Lacht Kurfürstendamm, Berlin DE tbc
Aug 31 – Sep 6 PNE, Vancouver CA tbc
Sept 17 – 20 Melbourne Juggling Conv, Melbourne AU
Sept 23 – Oct 3 WOW, Wellington NZ tbc
So that’s that… still plenty of Vinyl time for everyone, just a little changed.
Also, the Comedy Festival is currently on in Wellington and New Zealand… go and check it out, because there’s more to great comedy than just me.
VB – WD40 – 24/7
Chit Chat 2010
February 13, 2010
Gentle hellos to you.
I’m moments away from boarding my flight into the city for the second night of our 2010 season of the Chit Chat Lounge. We opened last night to a sell out crowd on the 9th floor of the continental high hotel plaza in Nelson. Obviously, with a star studded cast such as we have, we can’t take the liberty of being in the same city as the Wellington Fringe Arts festival, so we tucked ourselves out of the way in Nelson.
Nevertheless, we had just over 800 people jammed into the corporate entertainment media suite up there on number 9… and to cater for the natural spillover crowd, we beamed the show live to various venues throughout the Asia / Pacific region, courtesy of CISCO systems. Their tech allows the audience in the ‘official’ venue, Fringe Bar, Wellington… to experience the show, as if we were actually there.
The stream of caption suggestions continued to flow… text Derek with your Chit Chat Lounge slogan suggestion.
“Chit Chats, they’re… ________________________”
In any case, we enjoyed a few beautiful guests including the relatively not-mad Guy Capper. The furious and unpredictable genius of the man took us to new places… I love that dark dark doctor of the night. We were also deliciously catered to by the moody sublit beauty of Anthony Livingspace blowing a square bubble – as cool as square gets.
Speaking of things medical… we treated the good folks to a little sample of Vinyl’s new community seminar package (for good looking but unfortunately sexless kids out there).
Check out more at www.vinylburns.com
Tonight, make sure you’re there, or tune in to the twitter and facebook-scape and enquire about the health of the show. We’ll be unleashing yet more violently smooth music, easy love tips, good looking guests and a host of prizes…
Special features: The Olympic Games Love Mix special edition.
Give it the munt, kids!
I’ll see you there.
VB
Edmonton Fringe Festival 2009
August 15, 2009
Hello fellow battlers…
Welcome aboard the 2009 Fringe Theatre Adventure here in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, Planet Earth.
I just wanted to remind everyone of my show times. There was a slight misprint in the printed program, which involved accidentally reversing the names of the two stages (Trans Alta / Journal)
So, here is my correct schedule… along with a reminder that you can’t ever trust the print media… only blogs and real people.
Friday, August 14, 2:15 pm – 3:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Friday, August 14, 7:15 pm – 8:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Saturday, August 15, 3:15 pm – 4:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Saturday, August 15, 8:15 pm – 9:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Sunday, August 16, 4:15 pm – 5:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Sunday, August 16, 9:15 pm – 10:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Monday, August 17, 5:15 pm – 6:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Monday, August 17, 10:15 pm – 11:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Tuesday, August 18, 12:15 pm – 1:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Tuesday, August 18, 6:15 pm – 7:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Wednesday, August 19, 1:15 pm – 2:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Wednesday, August 19, 7:15 pm – 8:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Thursday, August 20, 2:15 pm – 3:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Thursday, August 20, 8:15 pm – 9:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Friday, August 21, 3:15 pm – 4:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Friday, August 21, 9:15 pm – 10:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Saturday, August 22, 4:15 pm – 5:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Saturday, August 22, 10:15 pm – 11:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Sunday, August 23, 12:15 pm – 1:00 pm (Edmonton Journal Stage)
Sunday, August 23, 5:15 pm – 6:00 pm (TransAlta Power Stage)
Photographs and Autographs will be available after each performance, but I prefer not to overdo it, as it lowers the resale value of them if I dish out too many… I owe it to my investors to keep it in the black… (not like that Virginia – lol).
Word, my popes.
I believe in Galas
June 14, 2008
I had the privilege to be invited to attend the fundraising Gala of the Waterloo Arts Festival, and I have to just say how delightful it was to be invited. I don’t often attend such high profile events as the attention I usually draw tends to pull focus from the actual event – usually a fundraiser, compelling me to make a generous contribution to the cause. While this is of little financial impact to myself, the generous nature of my offering often leaves everyone with an awkward embarrassed aftertaste in their mouths, so I try to avoid the whole difficult scene by staying out of the public eye, and just placing a small classified ad in the paper outlining the size of my charitable donation, and also my coming tour dates.
Last Thursday however, I broke my own little rule… braved the swiveling heads, the flashbulbs of the paparazzi, the persuasive touch of lady hospitality… I attended.
Out of pure modesty, I resisted the urge to out bid everyone on each of the silent auctions… instead, I simply stood, drank, flirted and left with a few of the more sophisticated ladies of the night.
I believe in supporting the festivals that will grow to support me. I believe in Hilby the Skinny German Juggleboy. I believe in love. I believe in magic. I believe the children need a futon, bed them well and night will soon be day. I believe in the Waterloo Arts Festival.
I believe in Ladies.
