Popular Sh*t I have said…

It’s me again, and even again.

 

It seems that my people left the actual content out of this one last time, so here we are again, trying to provide you with the VB you need.  Enjoy it this time.

Yes, writing it up once again and perhaps using a few too few expletives, but that’s just how I slice and dice.

the popularity of the “Sh*t my dad says” meme, encouraged my fans to request that I release some I my own spoken word sh*t.

Given that, as I recently coined the phrase ” I’m Vinyl Burns, and you’re nothing without me”, for an upcoming BBC TV project, it would be downright rude of me not to allow you, my fans, to be all you can possibly be, by giving you a whole lot of me… In your faces.

The beauty of the written word is that you can reread that paragraph as many times as you need, in order to understand what I’m saying, and then love me for it.

So, here’s the first installment of “Sh*t Vinyl Burns says”. Share it around by clicking on the “Share Vinyl Burns around” button, and above all, enjoy.

I don’t have time to say it all, but you can feel the knowledge breaking on your chest!” – Vinyl Burns

Carousel Burlesque Experience

Look, I won’t bother you much more…

Just to say, that if you are a big fan of the naughty burlesque scene in Wellington city, then sign yourselves up for the Carousel Burlesque experience happening this Friday evening.

Here are some more easy to read details…

Venus Burlesque presents CAROUSEL! Wellingtons premier burlesque cabaret.
Enjoy a delicious cocktail or a gourmet platter in the gorgeous MamaSamba burlesque bar while you are entertained by NZ’s finest burlesque performers.

Carousel Cabaret is held every month with a new line up of tasteful burlesque talent for your entertainment pleasure.

Carousel presents this January 2011 your Host Vinyl Burns, The stunning Eva Strangelove, Tiger Moon, Rosa Belle, Clo Miranda, Tinka Lovelocks & The Avian Belle.

Carousel Cabaret is cash door sales only. Carousel Cabaret seating is 8pm sharp! So get in early to reserve your seats to insure you get your slice of the best burlesque va va voom entertainment in Wellywood!!

Tickets are cash door sales only. $25

I may see you there… in all my sweaty hotness.

Vinyl (is on fire) Burns.

A Summer Tour

This is going to be weird.

I’m about to head out on tour.  Now, that in itself isn’t too strange… I’m certainly not unfamiliar to the grime of the vaudeville road, that’s why I take so many baths.  Thing is… since retiring down here in tropical electric paradise, most, if not all of my touring has been undertaken in the form of a giant, lengthy, commitment laden “northern summer” tour of such salubrious festival circuits as Canada, Eastern Europe, The U.A.E., Brazil and even the Spanish clubber’s beach paradise El Campello.

Spanish Club Dates 1988

This time it will be different. This time, it will be local.

Now, despite being retired, I still keep my hand in some pretty fruity pies down here… in part, to inspire a new generation of wannabes, but also, to be honest, because I can’t stay away from the business.  It’s in my blood… and it’s not alone, so I gots to keep the show biz pumping through my veins, or the biological ratio of good vs evil will get all out of whack… and who needs that.

So, I work a healthy circuit of gigs here.  All kinds of shit… all across the board… all tiers, classes, creeds, flavours, genders, budgets, venues, menus…   I soak it all up, cos I like to keep it real.  Also, it’s a small place, and there aren’t too many options.

This time around though, I’ve switched it up.  After 12 years of being woo’d and quietly coaxed, I’ve relented, and will be attending the Christchurch World Buskers Festival.

Now this is a nice gig…  Chilled schedule, beautiful locals, and a good solid pampering for the crew.  But what makes it very very odd for me, is having all my buddies from the northern circuits right here, now, shoulder to shoulder, on my turf.  Circumstance finally allowing me to play host to some of my closest friends and finest acts on the planet.  I will love it, as will all the performers and public fans alike…

The Worlds Finest Clowns

The novelty, and resulting weirdness I feel about it all, has reminded me why I chose this neglected backchannel to wind down my career with the grace and dignity it deserves…  You see, by retiring here, where there’s next to nothing going on, I can help to build a faith and passion in this industry, yet with the non-threatening status of “retired legend”, putting the youngsters at their ease.  I wear the respect, without the agro.

That’s all well and good, but sometimes, when the world comes to town for ten days, and you’re invited to go play with them… it’s mighty nice to feel the local breeze on your chest, hear the local voices in your head, and drink the local wines, with your local lips.

I welcome the world’s best to Christchurch this month, and hope you’ll live the dream with us.

Kia Ora Kaha Te Whanau

Vinyl

The Vinyl Burns Shop

Good tidings to you, one and alls…

As a good friend of mine often says…

“A lot of you folks will have trouble attaching a financial value to the 45 minutes of intangibly high quality life experience that we’ve shared… So here’s some stuff you can buy.”

It’s been troubling me for some time, this gaping void in my multimedular tri-continental personality driven empire of good vibes… an inexplicable hollow moan in an otherwise hushed room of awe.

Now, and end is in sight… a destination for those many weary seekers who saught to see the light reflected into their eyeballs, off a luxuriously fashioned, yet patronisingly affordable trinket.

Behold… The Vinyl Burns Merchendise Emporium.

http://www.cafepress.com/vinylburns

Also accessable vie the usual channels… http://www.vinylburns.com

I wish you all the happiest of shopping… and as a special introductory offer, I will be offering a special reduced price… (I’m only making 20% on these goodies, so reducing it to 10% for the first week).

That’s right, I gots shirts, shorts, ladies underthings, mugs, pens, clocks, bags, steins, thongs, frames, pillows, pet bowls, dog shirts, infant bodysuits, ringer Ts, value T’s, Green T’s, maternity dark T’s, tank tops, golf shirts, pads, stationery, hats, caps and bibs…

If I don’t have it, ask me for it, and either I’ll have it soon, or I’ll tell you that I can’t get it…  GUARANTEED!

You can’t ask fairer that that.

It’s like Big Save Furniture, but without the Furniture.

So I’ll see you there!

http://www.cafepress.com/vinylburns

VB – it’s the putting it on the right hand side, that counts.

VB

Horse House #2

Vinyl Burns plays "Greek Mail Order Wife" in video for "Poetry Slam"

Hooolaaah Revelers.

I trust you all survived the holiday break and are itching to see more action in 2010.

I myself am just about to go into production month on the Chit Chat Lounge 2010 project.  Year four and we’ve enlisted additional writers, wardrobe consultants and renovated the greenroom media suite to allow for the Scandinavian networks to do their simulcasts standing up.

I had hoped to have my people attach a music file to this, to remind you of the good times created at Horse House Studios last summer… but they didn’t know how. So, you can go to…

http://www.vinylburns.com

and find them there.  I recommend “Dancer” – have a listen to that.

We also welcome the newest member of the Chit Chat band, who comes to us from a powerful and inspired James Cameron project…  No names just yet, but you can be sure that three 90 minute rehearsals will have us cooking with the same beige-warm intensity as you felt on the back of your neck last Autumn, walking back from the dairy with some soda powder for those ulcers.

Remember to go to http://www.vinylburns.com and sign up to the mailing list, to receive FREE mp3s of all Vinyl’s hit songs and video clips.

Also, in light of recent terrible events, the Chit Chat Lounge will officially be raising funds, in the form of generous audience donation, for those suffering in Haiti under the strain of fallen architecture and mountain sides.  Rest assured that every cent raised will go towards delicious beverages with which we will toast to the future good health of those good people.

So, stay focused, and tune to the Chit Chat Lounge at the sites below.

http://www.myspace.com/chitchatlounge

http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=chitchatlounge&init=quick#/group.php?gid=6350944981&ref=ts

Remember, Vinyl Burns is a lovely place to spend your evening.

Peace on your face.

VB

I can FEEL it.

Party 2010

Hello G

2010 is almost upon us, so I felt the urge to throw down some honest partying advice to those of you ready to shake off the festivities of 2009, and drop it down into 4th gear for a night.

I’ll keep it short, cos who really wants to be tied up behind the computer all summer.  I offer 3 tips.

1) Just because the sand is mostly yellow, doesn’t mean you can’t put it in your mouth sometimes.

2) When a lady on the beach asks “Is anybody looking”, she means “Stop looking at me”

3) Sometimes the novelty of renting a beach house, just like regular people, is cooled somewhat by bad management, with a short grass fixation.  I’m a jungle lover!!!

Well, that’s about it from me for 2009.  Wherever you’re spending your New Years Eve, just know that I’ll be with thousands of lucky families in the Civic Square of Wellington City, New Zealand.

Here’s a little party song to get you in the mood!

http://bit.ly/18S4rv

I’m Vinyl Burns.

Celebrity – it's who I am.

People often ask me…. why do I know you? How did we meet? Why are you dressed that way?

Let me clear all this up, once and for all…

I’m a man of good looks, charisma, charm and easy vibes. I hold court like Jordan jumps across it. I enjoy imparting my genius to the ladies, and sometimes the men are close enough to pick a little of it up as well.

I like to write the names of my lovers on the sand at the beach, but often there are too many people on the beach for me to finish the list.

I like to eat. In Korea, I ate a dog. They told me it was the local custom, and because I know how important it is to honour the locals and show respect for their little customs, I just wolfed that puppy right on down.

They started whispering to each other, and then the one who spoke English said that it was also customary to eat my hat. I don’t wear a hat, but I sait I’d eat my shirt, if it would please them. He said it would please them very much. So I ate my shirt. I was pretty full by the end because it was winter time, so it was a heavy woolen shirt.

I’m a diplomat and an cultural icon and figurehead. I’m a figurine on the giant porcelain chess board of pop culture. I dabble in politics and I write for some magazines that prefer to remain anonymous.

You like me. They like me. I like me.

I’m one of a kind and I teach all manner of things. I have a poker retreat up in the Ruahine mountains, near where that guy got shot by his hunter friend.

I teach surf lifesaving in the winter time (to make sure they’re really tough and ready for action), and I do some freelance dentistry and the odd bit of surgery (to keep my hand in).

I vote as often as I can (usually just once or twice every three or four years) and I’m a silent contributor to a number of political movements. I was an officer of the CIA for a short period in the 1980s when things got pretty hot in Altantic City, but these days, I’m just watched by them… just like everybody else.

I’m famous for life. For love. For good and for bad.

I’m in it for the funny.

And while I’m here, we should get into Pakistan before those North Koreans do…

I’m not saying that I know anything, but there are some things that I know… which I can’t tell you.

Three words… Collider – Saturn V – Watergate.

Ok, Watergate is two words with a space bar recession. And “V” is just a letter, which in this case represents a number, so that’s even less of an extra word.

In any case… stock up on the water and watch a lot of M*A*S*H – we didn’t spend 60 million bucks on the script for nothing.

Peace, Cosmos and The future to you all….

because when you’re with Vinyl Burns… it’s ALWAYS tomorrow.

VB

Vinyl in your inbox

Good day to you all…

I write with a stiff neck and a heavy head, as the good times never stop around here… they just need 6 to 10 hours to recover.

I’ve been a fan of the ladies for a long time now, and it’s in response to the needs of one special lady, that I now offer email notification and delivery of my “Daily” blog.

This particular lady is confined to a wheelchair, and cannot afford a proper computer because she comes from a bad family who made her do awful things until she lost the use of her legs. As I am a huge advocate for ladies rights, and am in fact one of the silent founders of the ladies rights organisation “Girls can do anything they tell us to”… I took it upon myself to gift her a second hand blackberry telephone. My people tell me that, while she cannot afford to surf the interneck on it, she can afford to read plain, non html email.

So here, for you Jendeena Crompton-Weener, is a virtual hand delivered mainline to my thoughts.

The direct link is: http://www.feedburner.com/fb/a/emailverifySubmit?feedId=2064307&loc=en_US

Or…

you can go here: http://vinylburns.wordpress.com and click on the link on the right hand side.

Peace to the ladies

Vinyl