Bloop
February 15, 2012
Dingo Dingo Friends…
That’s an almost completely made up Australian greeting I just nearly invented.
I do a lot of things really really well. And I like to balance that by showing off my frailty in front of all the world, from time to time.
This, right now, is just one of those times.
So, without any further much ado about nothing much, here is a classic Vinyl Burns blooper, from my Sexual Horizons web series. The crew really lost it on this one. It’s an open and transparent window into the backstage world of the Vinyl Burns television empire.
Thanks for watching, and for being here specifically in order to do so.
Mango Mango
Amigo Derché
VB
Giving thanks…
April 3, 2011
Hola long lost followers,
I’ve been a bit sloppy in the old publishing department… mainly because I’ve been doing a lot of swimming and trying to master Kung Fu.
But, I’m spurred back into literary action by a few things.
Firstly, you may have spotted me at several recent Christchurch benefit functions… raising money for “The Dusties” down in Canterbury. I didn’t feel it would be fair to directly contribute from my considerable fortune, as that would be a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, when I own the barrel, and it’s already at my house, and I don’t even eat fish.
So instead, I felt that contributing my many talents to a few different fundraisers, was the right move.
Celebrated Game Show Host - JT
Secondly, last Friday night was the celebrity roast, put on by my old friend El Jaguar, roasting my even older friend, Philippino game show hosting legend Johnny Tan. I was unable to attend in person, but I shot this quick video and musicalised my sentiments, in a long distance tribute.
Here for you, is that tribute to Johnny Tan.
[Click Here To View The Video]
I have a quiet few months now, in my eastern country house, before I hit the road again for June & July… with appearances throughout the former Yugoslavia, England, Switzerland and Canada, then back for nearly a full month with the WOW team, before some heavy involvement with the cruise ship scene.
Until then, if you can’t fuss it, bust it up.
Given with soul,
Vinyl Burns.
A Summer Tour
January 10, 2011
This is going to be weird.
I’m about to head out on tour. Now, that in itself isn’t too strange… I’m certainly not unfamiliar to the grime of the vaudeville road, that’s why I take so many baths. Thing is… since retiring down here in tropical electric paradise, most, if not all of my touring has been undertaken in the form of a giant, lengthy, commitment laden “northern summer” tour of such salubrious festival circuits as Canada, Eastern Europe, The U.A.E., Brazil and even the Spanish clubber’s beach paradise El Campello.
Spanish Club Dates 1988
This time it will be different. This time, it will be local.
Now, despite being retired, I still keep my hand in some pretty fruity pies down here… in part, to inspire a new generation of wannabes, but also, to be honest, because I can’t stay away from the business. It’s in my blood… and it’s not alone, so I gots to keep the show biz pumping through my veins, or the biological ratio of good vs evil will get all out of whack… and who needs that.
So, I work a healthy circuit of gigs here. All kinds of shit… all across the board… all tiers, classes, creeds, flavours, genders, budgets, venues, menus… I soak it all up, cos I like to keep it real. Also, it’s a small place, and there aren’t too many options.
This time around though, I’ve switched it up. After 12 years of being woo’d and quietly coaxed, I’ve relented, and will be attending the Christchurch World Buskers Festival.
Now this is a nice gig… Chilled schedule, beautiful locals, and a good solid pampering for the crew. But what makes it very very odd for me, is having all my buddies from the northern circuits right here, now, shoulder to shoulder, on my turf. Circumstance finally allowing me to play host to some of my closest friends and finest acts on the planet. I will love it, as will all the performers and public fans alike…
The Worlds Finest Clowns
The novelty, and resulting weirdness I feel about it all, has reminded me why I chose this neglected backchannel to wind down my career with the grace and dignity it deserves… You see, by retiring here, where there’s next to nothing going on, I can help to build a faith and passion in this industry, yet with the non-threatening status of “retired legend”, putting the youngsters at their ease. I wear the respect, without the agro.
That’s all well and good, but sometimes, when the world comes to town for ten days, and you’re invited to go play with them… it’s mighty nice to feel the local breeze on your chest, hear the local voices in your head, and drink the local wines, with your local lips.
I welcome the world’s best to Christchurch this month, and hope you’ll live the dream with us.
Kia Ora Kaha Te Whanau
Vinyl
Chit Chat 2010
February 13, 2010
Gentle hellos to you.
I’m moments away from boarding my flight into the city for the second night of our 2010 season of the Chit Chat Lounge. We opened last night to a sell out crowd on the 9th floor of the continental high hotel plaza in Nelson. Obviously, with a star studded cast such as we have, we can’t take the liberty of being in the same city as the Wellington Fringe Arts festival, so we tucked ourselves out of the way in Nelson.
Nevertheless, we had just over 800 people jammed into the corporate entertainment media suite up there on number 9… and to cater for the natural spillover crowd, we beamed the show live to various venues throughout the Asia / Pacific region, courtesy of CISCO systems. Their tech allows the audience in the ‘official’ venue, Fringe Bar, Wellington… to experience the show, as if we were actually there.
The stream of caption suggestions continued to flow… text Derek with your Chit Chat Lounge slogan suggestion.
“Chit Chats, they’re… ________________________”
In any case, we enjoyed a few beautiful guests including the relatively not-mad Guy Capper. The furious and unpredictable genius of the man took us to new places… I love that dark dark doctor of the night. We were also deliciously catered to by the moody sublit beauty of Anthony Livingspace blowing a square bubble – as cool as square gets.
Speaking of things medical… we treated the good folks to a little sample of Vinyl’s new community seminar package (for good looking but unfortunately sexless kids out there).
Check out more at www.vinylburns.com
Tonight, make sure you’re there, or tune in to the twitter and facebook-scape and enquire about the health of the show. We’ll be unleashing yet more violently smooth music, easy love tips, good looking guests and a host of prizes…
Special features: The Olympic Games Love Mix special edition.
Give it the munt, kids!
I’ll see you there.
VB
Horse House #2
January 20, 2010
Vinyl Burns plays "Greek Mail Order Wife" in video for "Poetry Slam"
Hooolaaah Revelers.
I trust you all survived the holiday break and are itching to see more action in 2010.
I myself am just about to go into production month on the Chit Chat Lounge 2010 project. Year four and we’ve enlisted additional writers, wardrobe consultants and renovated the greenroom media suite to allow for the Scandinavian networks to do their simulcasts standing up.
I had hoped to have my people attach a music file to this, to remind you of the good times created at Horse House Studios last summer… but they didn’t know how. So, you can go to…
and find them there. I recommend “Dancer” – have a listen to that.
We also welcome the newest member of the Chit Chat band, who comes to us from a powerful and inspired James Cameron project… No names just yet, but you can be sure that three 90 minute rehearsals will have us cooking with the same beige-warm intensity as you felt on the back of your neck last Autumn, walking back from the dairy with some soda powder for those ulcers.
Remember to go to http://www.vinylburns.com and sign up to the mailing list, to receive FREE mp3s of all Vinyl’s hit songs and video clips.
Also, in light of recent terrible events, the Chit Chat Lounge will officially be raising funds, in the form of generous audience donation, for those suffering in Haiti under the strain of fallen architecture and mountain sides. Rest assured that every cent raised will go towards delicious beverages with which we will toast to the future good health of those good people.
So, stay focused, and tune to the Chit Chat Lounge at the sites below.
http://www.myspace.com/chitchatlounge
http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=chitchatlounge&init=quick#/group.php?gid=6350944981&ref=ts
Remember, Vinyl Burns is a lovely place to spend your evening.
Peace on your face.
VB
I can FEEL it.
Building a mountain of antisipation for the summer…
December 9, 2009
Hey there super-ladies and rock fella’s….
I just want you all to know I’m looking forward to serving up a hefty rucksack full of good sweet happiness and sun glazed forever-times this summer. When you’ve been around the world as many times as I have, you certainly look forward to the chilled time, busting out local shows and getting a package on in the sunshine.
If you want to know exactly where that package will be this summer, catch me at http://www.vinylburns.com and take up my introductory offer of free everything; cos I’m like that.
Xmas from Vnas
VB
A poem, by Vinyl Burns
March 18, 2009
Here are some of the lyrics from my song “Dancer” available at http://www.vinylburns.com or on my facebook page.
DANCER.
Aw, this had better be good… you’d better be ready for this. It starts up gentle, but we fire it up… fire it up like a kiln…. Bring you all the way up to 800 degrees celcius. That’s firing temperature. Let me tell ya… you might want to sit down for this.
Yeah… bring the beef back. Lay down some of that bovine syncopation. Four on the floor… four in the belly…. COW STYLE!
That’s right ladies, I called you bitches, I gave you babies, I brough you riches.
That’s right ladies, I called you bitches, I gave you babies, I brough you riches.
Honest, soulful… pure, honest, soulful drums… you can’t argue with the drums…
I’m a rapper, tap tap, tell me who is that?
As the vinyl turns and the record player burns,
like a wiki wiki West Nile virus fever
if a lady wants me, you’d best believe her…
Come on now… ride the bicycle to the dairy for me.
I need some butter and some eggs.
That’s what I need.
Let me tell you something….
You feel the pain, I earn the dollar, I walk the walk, it’s me they follow,
they envy me, it’s me they covet, the ladies have it and the ladies love it!
(and can you get some of those biscuits as well?)
I’m a disco dog on a leash of love, like a K9 rolling on a shagpile rug,
I scratch and I twist and I hit the ground, and I bark and I leave hairs all around.
(That’s a metaphor. I hear you, I feel what you’re saying… with your words.)
OK.. you know what they say… “Upstairs for thinking… downstairs for parking”. It’s gonna get heavy now.
I’m a rapper, tap tap, tell me who is that?
As the vinyl turns and the record player burns,
like a wiki wiki West Nile virus fever
if a lady wants me, you’d best believe her…
Bring back the beat to the seventies master,
V for Vinyl, lazyboy recliner,
Bring back the meat for the summertime platter,
Power to the people, Vinyl is a rapper
That’s right ladies, I called you bitches, I gave you babies, I brough you riches.
I paid for dinner, I let you swallow, now crack the bass, I hear you holla.
You feel the pain, I earn the dollar, I walk the walk, it’s me they follow,
they envy me, it’s me they covet, the ladies have it and the ladies love it!
I’m a likable love and I ride a bike, I honour your culture, I respect the dykes.
I feel a fever like a summer chill, the choice is yours to be on the pill.
I’m a freedom lover and a man of means, and I like the ladies and I like machines.
I like good cooking and a lady chef, and the guy who cleans my pool, named Jeff.
A verbal warning doesn’t slow me down, doesn’t kill the evening, doesn’t cool the crowd…
Don’t stop the bus if the tank’s still full.
You’re a lady in RED and I’m a charging bull.
like a wiki wiki West Nile virus fever
if a lady wants me, you’d best believe her…
Waterloo – Dogs and Poker
May 31, 2008
After my first engagement of the Canadian season – the Toronto International Circus Festival, I ventured and hour south and reaquainted myself with my good buddies the Silly People. When you’re a traveling man in Canada, or any foreign country where the customs, currency and conversation are
strange and unfamiliar, it’s a good idea to have some local contacts to hook you up with a good game of cards. My contacts put me in touch with Tony, who hosts a Wednesday night card game. $150 buy in, with around 20-25 guys involved.
Having enjoyed 3/4 of last weeks game, and fully planning to enjoy at least as high a proportion again this week, I gladly accepted a request to look after Tony’s dogs Boon and Jin for a few days. What better way to repay the kindness of a man who facilitates the weekly loss of $150?
Day one was just a delight… letting the puppies out of their cage and letting them run around the yard while I watched 2 hours of Poker after Dark (nice to see some of those guys implementing some of my tips – the sign of a true professional, always learning from the masters).
Day two, not so smooth.
I arrived and waded into a warm wet atmosphere of urine and poos… I won’t go into too much detail, but the classic vaudeville routine unfolded as follows…
Let the dogs out of the house.
Haul the shitty pissy doggy duvet downstairs to the laundry sink
Haul the Giant dog box downstairs and into the garden
hose out the dog box
haul the dog box back upstairs
realise that the dog box actually comes apart for ease of hauling and cleaning
haul the shitty pissy doggy duvet into the washing machine and start it up
Washing machine breaks, but only once it’s FULL of (now shitty pissy) water.
Washing machine starts leaking shitty pissy water
dogs run through shitty pissy water
dogs run through the rest of the house.
… ok that’s about enough.
I guess the moral of the story is: Don’t look after someone’s dogs because they’ll piss and shit everywhere.
Welcome to Vinyl’s World…
May 31, 2008
Hello folks,
Welcome to the first of many regular Vinyl Burns web log entries… keeping you abreast of what I’m up to, and my personal read on the world I’m in. I hope you can join with me on a crusade to bring good times to wherever the bad times roll, and to warm and moisten even the most desolate and frigid of regions.
