The speed of touring

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December 17, 2011 by vinylburns

I’m no stranger to the touring lifestyle. Having spent the last 34 years of my professional life on the road, or in RVs traveling upon it, I’ve learnt myself a few tricks for keeping things cool in a high pressure monotonously grinding schedule.

This weekend I’m only away for 3 days, in two towns, but I put all of these key strategies into practice.

1) Be 15 minutes late, so as to appear loosely punctual and respectful of the other party’s time, but to appear vulnerable and approachable. They’ll likely be a little star struck to begin with, and I find this trick helps hand them back the balance of awe.

2) Make a few mistakes. Misread a cue, drop a glass, drink someone else’s wine… The reason? Same as above.

3) Rarely, I agree to shared accommodation, so long as its a hotel with its own bar and hot tub IN the suite’s kitchen. When this occurs, and (as is often the case) I’m sharing the suite with a dozen 22 year old burlesque dancers, I make a point of returning to the room a little later than the others.
Two reasons: Firstly, it makes them less self conscious about how hot I am in their eyes, and allows them to put their “silver fox syndrome” in correct context. Secondly, I can stand on the beach in a nude zen trance and curse into the ocean breeze about how they made me watch the Ellen TV show earlier in the day.

Those are my three tips for happy touring. There’s not much more you need to know. Get out there, book some hotels and the gigs will follow!

Rock it you haters, baiters, gaiters, hipsters and youngsters…

All Vinyl, All the time.


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Dr Vinyl Burns

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My Management: Kiwi Comedy Ltd.

My DJ Mixes: DJ Vinyl Burns

My Podcast: Jesus It's Early

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