A hysterical brief of my time…

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January 5, 2012 by vinylburns

How many  people might I be sleeping with???

Hello, It’s Vinyl Burns here, and it’s a new year.

What better time to look back at the previous one and pass on a few pieces of information that will help you if you ever end up touring Croatia, under the guidance of some Macedonian businessmen, their husband and a hip hop producer.

1) Never ever, no matter where you’re going, consult a map.

2) If you’re lost… stop quickly in a busy roadway and yell questions at some local startled children, in a language that (I assumed) they don’t understand. (Never ask more than one person for directions, you can be pretty certain that you can trust the nervous pointing and waving of your first encounter, to accurately guide you to your destination.)

Everything will be cool.

3) All festivals provide a free creche… with fun activities for the children… including crossbows.

4) Your equipment will certainly be safe in the tent…

There’s a security guard drinking ethanol and/or sleeping outside it, 24/7.

5) 8 is almost always 11.

6) Buy yourself some shiny suits.

(I forgot to last year, so I’m going back.)

7) No matter what situation you find yourself in… say the word “Pane” and everything will be cool.

8) So long as you’re not all hung up on “how many”, “how much”, “what time”, “how long”, “what currency”, “not enough”, “too fast”, “too slow”, “not legal” or “not comfortable”…

you can rest assured that everything…

will be cool.

9) Do you like parades and shopping mall gigs?
Everything will be cool

10) Only the chicken knows the secret.

Do you want to be the chicken?

Everything will be cool.


11) Even a political murder… carried out by the police on the festival grounds, and subsequent uprising, will somehow… be cool.


12) 80’s hair rock covers bands are cool.


13) You know how you always wanted Green Apple Shampoo to taste like it smells?

Welcome to Macedonia!


14) Beer is purchased in meters.

“I would like to buy two meters of beer please…”


15) Do you like having dinner with the secret police? Everything will be cool.
So, my Macedonian seeking culture brats, so long as you understand and respect these 15 simple rules, everything… will be cool.
See you there next June.

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Dr Vinyl Burns

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My Management: Kiwi Comedy Ltd.

My DJ Mixes: DJ Vinyl Burns

My Podcast: Jesus It's Early

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